Listen to your heart

I was at the SJU lecture last night with my fellow Beyond Bordians. Before the lecture began, Joanne let us go up to the stage to promote our pancake breakfast fundraiser. I loved how we all stood in a line, yelled our names and the countries we're going to, with huge smiles on our faces, as if we were little ambassadors who are being sent by the school to make friends with the rest of the world. It reminded me of drama shows from elementary school :) A wholehearted thank you to my group - for your hard work, for your spirit, for your energy, and for being present.  

Last night's lecture was on "Celebrating the Life and Work of Jean Vanier", presented by Dr. Whitney-Brown. I must admit I'm not very good with night classes. There's something about after 7pm and my ears not receiving as well as it should. Like Dr. Whitney-Brown said though, the words I hear when I wake up - that's my pathetic moment :) 

That's exactly what happened to me. In between moments of thinking about sushi and pancakes, Dr. Whitney-Brown's words suddenly invaded my central nervous system, kicked away all the thoughts about food, as if I was meant to listen to these words. She said that very often people feel they should check in with themselves, have their lives together and become very self-aware before they can contribute to their communities, and later make a difference in the world. More often than not, people don't get past that self-awareness stage. However, when she looks at Jean Vanier's life, it seems as though he did it backwards. He was born into a diplomatic family, he went to military school, then later founded L'Arche, lived with people with mental disabilities, and finally it was through the individual relationships he had with people that changed his heart. 

Those words really resonated with me. I feel that my life is going in that same kind of direction. I have been traveling since the first time I stepped on a plane at the age of 2 and hasn't stopped ever since. I jumped at every opportunity of studying, working and volunteering abroad all through high school and university. I don't normally worry too much or ask a lot of "what if's" either - I have always just thrown myself in situations and figured things out along the way. At the same time, despite all these experiences, I felt that something was missing. I wasn't able to talk about why I did what I did in a way that I wanted. I felt that my soul is still constantly searching for who knows what. 

This is how the Beyond Borders program has changed me so far. When we were asked to go to The Working Centre at the beginning of this term, that's when I realized I have always thought about going overseas to be inspired, to understand things on a broader scale, to have bigger impact... etc, but never for a moment have I thought of doing anything in my very own community. It's kind of silly when I think back now - why did I use to think more/bigger/broader is better? I was always moving around since I was either on co-op or exchange, so I never feel extremely integrated. These two months I got to know more people who live in Kitchener-Waterloo outside of campus, and for the first time in 6 years, I feel that I'm part of the community.

Then there's this blog. I have always felt that there is a very clear distinction between a personal journal and a blog. My private feelings remain private in my journal, and that's that. Blogging, on the other hand, is something completely different. I see it as a place to process my thoughts, to examine my life, and to discover my own voice. 

There is something about reading other people's blogs, learning about their lives, and feeling connected to them. There is something about putting thoughts down in words, and feeling like I finally know how I feel and what I'm talking about. There's something about opening up for people to read my thoughts and inviting them for a conversation and exploration about their own reflections, their own moments and their own courage.

Before I go off topic again, all I wanted to say was - I went from going all over the place and always just wanting to do something, to slowing myself down and taking the time to get to know the people around me, to sitting down and sharing my thoughts in words with the world. This journey, so far, has taught me how to listen more closely to my heart. 

Photocredit: cosmicsoda