Overwhelmed
Why do we do what we do?
My friend, Venus, wrote this for a paper in her Critical Thinking class, "Egocentric biases occur usually when someone is overconfident about themselves. People as I mentioned earlier become so proud of themselves when they believe they have done something they believe are right, something they believe will contribute to the environment like recycling. However they do not realized that these are actually just things they should do. We need to distinguish the differences between responsibilities of the society and individuals, and actual real “good moral deeds”. "
There is a difference between doing something because you feel it's a responsibility, and doing it because it makes you feel that you're a better person. Does it become a selfish act when we like that personal fulfillment? the recognition? the pat on the shoulder telling us we did a good job? I feel guilty for feeling good!
But where do we draw the line? Are we even aware of our true intention? Can we? How?
Do we feel good when we have "done the right thing"? When we see others who don't care, we judge and feel better about ourselves because we care?
How do we stay humble while "doing good"? How do we continue to give without judging others?
I remember a question Scott asked us last term - Who are your heros? Why are they your heros? Mother Theresa? Gandhi? Martin Luther King Jr.? Because they do great things? But if the capacity to love is what makes us human, then why aren't we all doing what they do? Is it them who are doing great things? Or just us not measuring up? Why is caring not normal, and the "road less traveled"? What makes us human then?
Some days I feel afraid to read the news, attend talks, write on my blog - there are so much to learn, so much to know, so much to care, so much to fix. It's so overwhelming. My heart aches.
Joanne keeps telling me that I can't fix the world. I KNOW that - but I can't help to feel all the weight on my shoulder and yell why DON'T I have the solutions.
There's no point to this post. Just some random thoughts on days when I can't breathe. No answers, just lots of questions.
Labels: Reflection
posted by Ruby Ku at
2:20 AM
7 Comments:
matt and I were having a discussion about this just yesterday! And you and I talked about this too...These are the exact same questions that keep coming up in my mind and its so overwhelming because I don't have the answers to them. If you were to just sit and think about all the wrongs on this earth, it makes you feel like throwing your hands in the air and crying. How do you even begin to fix it?! And for a person with very little patience, I want to see changes fast and knowing that these problems wont go away any time soon makes me feel even sadder! But it all takes time and collaboration between people, this is a weight on everybody's shoulders and we shouldn't feel like we're all alone in this.
And about true motivations behind good deeds...I was telling Matt the other day that there is a selfish component, no matter how small to the reason we do good deeds because of how rewarding it feels and the self-fulfillment we get out of it. Matt argued that there wasn't really a point to recognizing that truth. And maybe some people aren't ready for that kind of honesty. Its the fact that good deeds are being done that really matters. But I disagree because it would be ignoring the truth and the truth shouldn't be ignored no matter how insignificant it may seem to a situation.
I actaully really enjoyed the conversation I had with Maryam on the whole "true motives" for doing good things, so I would love for other people to share there feelings here too.
I debated for some time with Maryam on whether every good deed someone does has, at the root of that deed, a selfish motive - i.e. we help others because it makes us feel good, we stand up for what we preech because if we don't, we would have to admit to ourselves that we are hypocrits, etc. I disagree that people always have a selfish motive. I truly do believe that there are such things as true compassion and love. For example, if I hold the door open for an elderly person, I'm not doing it because it makes me feel better, I'm actually doing it because I don't want to see this person struggle with the door while manouvering around in a walker! (To this, one could reply with "Exactly - I am only holding the door to keep myself from feeling sad about watching someone struggle, hence I'm still doing it for me)
SO, as my conversation with Maryam progressed, she probably would have been able to convince me that, sure, there is a selfish piece to every good deed that you do, no matter who you are. But my bigger point is, WHO CARES?! Why do we need to look at it this way? I feel like by putting it into this perspective, it takes away any nice or helpful thing anyone has done.
Moreover, what does this tell the person on the other end? Instead of thinking "wow, that was nice of that person to hold the door open for me, I'm thankful there are people like that around", people will start to think "hmpf. That person really doesn't care about me, he was just holding the door open for his own pride". While this may seem insignificant on this small scale, imagine the destruction that this would cause if we magnified it to even more important things!
So after all that, my point is just that it really isn't helpful to anyone in accepting the fact that at the end of the day, people act strictly for themselves. Maybe nieve, it is, but I'm happier living my life thinking that my friend that has helped me grieve with something has done so because they genuinly care about me, instead of putting it in the perspective that they are helping me grieve to make themselves feel like they are a good person/friend.
... I hope some of that made sense?!
Maryam & Matt, thank you so much for your thoughts. I don't like talking to the air, and it makes me feel better to get comments after typing up a post at 3am in the morning.
In respond to you Matt, I agree and I disagree (your examples made me laugh though). First, I'm not suggesting that I should suspect the true motive behind a person's good deed as selfish. Of course I believe people genuinely care about me and I don't turn it around and accuse them for doing it because it makes them feel like a better friend/person. I'm not talking about other people's motives, I'm really talking about my own emotions that go along with doing good. My point here is - it's as if we're setting up a class system here - the good people and the bad people, the ones who care and the ones who don't. So because I'm one of the ones who do care, it makes me a "good person", I belong to the "good" group because I do "good" things. There are the ones don't. There goes the "us" and the "they". So I feel "good" about it. Just thinking about this makes me feel very guilty. Guilty about feeling good just because I did good. Guilty about the personal fulfillment. Again referring to Scott's question, isn't that what we are all SUPPOSED to do? It's a duty, instead of something to be proud of. Does that make sense? I'd love to hear what others think. Share some comment love.
Hmm, I see what you mean.. perhaps I just got a little off topic in my first comment :P.
With respect to personally feeling guilty about feeling good because you did good... I don't think it's worth looking at it from that side either. In general, people do things that make them feel good. If you assosiate DOING GOOD with FEELING GUILTY, I would assume you are going to stop doing good pretty soon. Doing good SHOULD BE assosiated with feeling good! Just because we are supposed to do something doesn't mean we can't feel good about doing it!
I think caution should be taken if we begin placing ourselves on a higher petistol than "they who don't do anything"... we don't want to discriminate and separate ourselves from "this group" because ultimately, our goal is to work with them, share our experiences and help them make the decision to "do good" too. That is, we should work with them to show that doing good DOES IN FACT make you feel good! Maybe that will be motivation enough for them to get out and give it a try!
... I don't know, what do you think?
i think how you see guilt really depends on your motives of action. Do you do it because you want to get the appraisal or your heart sincerely tells you to do so? i don't think that there is anything wrong with doing something good while making yourself feel good. What's wrong with an "ethical" win-win situation where you get what you want and the other end gets what he/she wants?
i know it's hard but try not to overwhelm yourselves with question that world leaders don't have answers to. it's good to look at the big picture, this anxiety that you have will only affect your judgment and causes you unnecessary confusion. The world is actually NOT that bad. Try to appreciate the positivity in life, there is many greatness and amazing people around us that we know we're not alone. Take a deep breathe.
The bottom line is we DO NOT have the solution to so many problems, but we're constantly on the road to search for one. That's how mankind evolved.
Some people pursue community work to make themselves feel good, others do that to make the less privileged feel good. I don't think there's any right or wrong here, but the latter group generally achieve both, they feel good while helping people. The former, on the other hand, may not really be helping anyone because he/she would have lost sight of the bigger objective.
My gf recently went to a non-profit org for an interview and they asked, "We have these projects A, B & C yada yada, how do you think you can contribute to them?". I thought about how I would answer this qn and how I actually felt.
The immediate ans that I had was to tell them my aspirations and how I hope to propel these activities to reach a bigger group etc, bringing in my skills for eg. But the truthful ans would be, I'd be lying if I come in thinking I could change the way things work. So many volunteers before me had come and gone. Many people dream of achieving great things, without remembering that they are made up of small little things. If I were to be given this opportunity, I'll just be as sincere as I can in helping each individual that I meet. And in doing so, I can contribute to the greater objective of these activities.
Forget all these blue sky stuff, just be focus on helping people that you meet along the way. I believe many great people like mother Theresa did what she did because of her love for people. Its the pure heart that lies within thats impt!
Oh and like what Fion mentioned, I think positivity is infectious, try to spread it!
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